Last May, my good friend took some engagement photos of us on her parents amazing property.  We had so much fun goofing around and trying to look cuter than we actually are :)  We got some great pictures and I know we will treasure them, and the memories of this day forever.  Here's a few of my favorites:

For Always & Forever.

 L.O.V.E

J&K

4.6.13

So much to tell you...

I haven't written a blog post in over a year.  I haven't written much period in over a year, but lately I've found myself missing the outlet.

 Last year around this time I decided to "live off the grid".  I deleted my Facebook, deactivated instagram, shut off my Twitter, and quit writing in my blog.  At the time I was planning our wedding, starting a new job and working on figuring things out for myself and honestly I just needed outside opinions to disappear...I have thoroughly enjoyed the quiet...and the things that "Living off the grid" has taught me.

Did you know that when you delete your facebook and your instagram, all of a sudden, people actually have to WANT to keep in touch, to stay in touch.  For a little while, I honestly struggled with this.  It suddenly felt like I had no friends...until the REAL friends started to surface.  The people that still called me, still text me, still cared to know about ME.  Ive learned a great deal about friendship over the last year...and I believe a lot of it has to do with my hiatus from social media.

However, writing on this blog for me, I realized, was different.  Writing is a way for me to work through things, to process, to express...and I've been missing that.

So, Im back.  Back to the blogging world...and I have so much to tell you!

My Dress.

We've been engaged for two weeks tomorrow.
AND I already have my dress-crazy, I know!

I got it yesterday, and I am so excited!

As I planned to attend the Bridal Fair & my first dress appointment I in no way expected to find "the" dress.  AT ALL.  I just wanted to look and have some fun with my bridesmaids and my mom and was really looking forward to being in a wedding dress for the first time.

I fully expected this process to take months...and I'm sure, if I'd really wanted it to, I still could have made it that way.  But I didn't.

I put on the first dress and it didn't really feel like I expected.  I thought I'd feel weird, but I didn't.  I stood on the pedestal and looked at myself and it just looked like a long white dress.

I quickly got out of that one and put on another...this one I liked more and when I came out of the room, the lady asked me if I'd like to try on a veil.  I responded, "sure why not" and she ran off to get me one.  It wasn't until she placed the veil on my head and I looked in the mirror that it really hit me...I'M GETTING MARRIED....this is NOT just a white dress...this is a WEDDING dress.  It was a very crazy feeling...and then I got teary eyed-and my girls and my mom cried. I know it sounds corny, and I didn't expect to feel that way, but I did.

However, this was not my dress either.  I liked it, but I didn't love it.  I felt emotional, but not like "this is it" which I'd heard is the feeling you get when you put on your dress.  I'd heard you just know.

I tried on several more...and then there was one.  I actually picked it out months ago online while watching "say yes to the dress" and browsing with my mom.  I even saved it in a folder under "ideas" as I was not even engaged at this point.  Then, two weeks ago when we got engaged, I bought my first bridal magazine.  In that magazine, amongst the pages of beautiful dresses, was the dress that I had saved months ago online. I snipped it out and taped it into my "wedding notebook".  Even in doing all of this...I didn't expect to put it on and it be "the" dress.  I just liked the style of it...the idea of it.  But when I put it on, walked out of the room, and all the girls cried again-includng my mom-this time it felt different.  I was shaking. Literally.  I could see myself walking down the aisle.  I could see my fiancé smiling-thinking I looked beautiful.  I felt so good.  I could move, I could breathe, I could dance (yes I tested this of course lol).  It actually looked like me...but in a wedding dress.  A stranger actually asked me if I had already decided on the dress-I told her I hadn't-to which she responded that I should.  She told me that she loved the dress and had wanted it to work for her and that she had tried it the day before.  She then told me it looked way better on me.  I appreciated her stopping and acknowledging me in the dress.  It made me feel good-if she didn't know me and thought it should be my choice, that probably says something.  Especially if you are willing to stop and say something to a complete stranger.  But I still at this point wasn't ready to commit.  My mom told the sales lady this, but asked that we get the information on it anyway because she had a feeling I'd be back....Mother know's best. lol.  And I headed back into the dressing room.

I tried on another, that actually everyone liked as well.  But the reaction wasn't the same...and I didn't feel the same.  So they told me to try on the other one more time.  I went back into the dressing room with my mom, and as I was slipping it over my head I said "Mom, this is my dress."  I said it with such confidence.  I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel sick, I just felt sure...and so, so good.

I rang a bell and announced it to the store, and it was done.  I am so excited-shocked that it happened so quickly-but excited.  I know I have so many things to do over the next year, as I want to put my creative touch on things, and I want this wedding to feel like "us".  I want it to be fun, laid back and casual-but beautiful all at the same time.  With everything I hope to do, I know I will have plenty to do and already having a dress takes care of something already.  So call me crazy, but I said YES to the dress...already.  I cannot wait to wear it, walk down the aisle, and marry my best friend.

My Bridesmaids!

I'm excited to be able to share this since my girls said YES.

So here is how I asked my girls to be my Bridesmaids!

First, I wrote each of them a card just saying how thankful I am that each of them is in my life and how I am so excited that they will be there on my special day...

I found these really cuter yellow and black cards at Target...they match our colors perfectly!

Then, inside each card was a typed note asking each of them to do certain things for me, and to be my bridesmaid.  I tailored each to the girl I was asking.  Some of the lines were the same, but I tried to make several lines in each personal to my relationship with each girl as well.

I got the idea online, but the note is all me.

Then I wrapped up for each of them one of my favorite wedding themed movies "27 dresses".  I made sure to include in each note "will you promise to help me find the perfect dress-even if it takes 27 tries?"  Just to incorporate the movie too.

I wrote to each of them on the box as well, just so even if they lose the card and the paper, they will still have a note from me telling them how excited I am that they will be standing up there with me!

When I was done with all the personal touches I wrapped them up like this:

I think they came out super cute!!!  

Then it was time to deliver them.  Since we are all attending a bridal fair this weekend and I'm trying on dresses for the first time-and these girls will be with me, I wanted them to now beforehand!  So I made sure to deliver them all this week.

I had so much fun surprising them and giving them these letters and gift from me, and it was so great to share my excitement with them!  Each and everyone of these girls has been there for me at some point or another and been my best friend.  I am very excited to spend more time with these girls over the next year, and to have them stand up there with me as I marry the love of my life.

Thank you, 

Nicole, Jenna, Alise, Harmony, & Liz.  I love all of you SO much.  Thank you for being apart of our special day, and all the days in between. 

Happiness.

I've been happy a lot in my life.
I like to think I'm typically a happy person.
I've had my rough times in life that definitely made it complicated to stay happy...But I've had more happy times than sad.
But I can honestly say, I have NEVER been this happy before.

I'm having a hard time even grasping the reality of last week's events.
Even so, I have already jumped right into wedding planning...
We've picked colors, looked at venues, and if it all works as we hope...we've picked a date.  I have bridesmaids, and a maid of honor, and a ring bearer.  And this Sunday I am going to a Bridal Fair and to look at dresses for the first time.
And even with all of that, even with the ring on my finger...I still feel in shock that it happened.  And I feel so incredibly happy.  Like butterflies in my tummy, goofy grin on my face, staring at my ring for hours kind of happy.

I am so grateful for all the family and friends who have helped us celebrate over the last week.  We love you and are so thankful for all of you.

And thank you fiancé, for making me the happiest I have ever been.
I am looking forward to this year of excitement with you...
And I can't wait to be your wife.

Our engagement :)

I can't even really believe I'm typing this...as I'm typing it.  Yesterday, my wonderful boyfriend of almost 6 years asked me to marry him.

It's official...WE'RE ENGAGED!

It's the weirdest feeling to be able to type those words, say those words, yell those words into the phone to our families and friends.  So weird, and so, so good.

It's no big secret I have been waiting for this for awhile...I've been planning on Pinterest for months, I watch Say Yes to the Dress way too much, and the ring now sitting happily on my left ring finger has been picked out since last June.

I knew it was coming this year.  We had talked and really felt like this year would be right.  I want a long engagement so that I can plan-because I'm a crazy planner (lol) and he is graduating at the end of the year!
But I had NO IDEA...i repeat absolutely NO IDEA that it would happen today.  I had convinced myself actually that it would be much later this year because he would be stressed with school and I was absolutely CERTAIN that no ring had been purchased.

Little did I know, that the ring we found and I fell in love with last year, and have admittedly pulled up on my computer several dozen times just to stare at-was purchased the very next day.
He picked it up in December, and has been saving it for the right time.

He struggled with the place, and the time, and ultimately chose Valentine's Day.  Mostly because he knew it was the very last day of the entire year that I would ever expect it.  I think we have actually talked a time or two about how "cliche" Valentine's proposals are.  But, after over 5 and a half years of dating and me knowing this was coming at some point, and me thinking I knew what days it wouldn't happen-this day was perfect.

I did not expect the events of today at all...and I could not be more happy.

So here you go....the Proposal :)

About a week ago, we started talking about Valentine's day and he asked me if there was anything I wanted to do.  I told him it didn't matter to me and that I knew he had work in the morning and school after.  He nonchalantly mentioned that he could probably get out of class if I wanted to go away for the day  since he would be off work by 10 am.  I thought this sounded like fun but told him if he really needed to be in class not to worry.  We didn't really talk about it again until Monday when I asked him if he had decided on any plans for Valentine's day. He said he didn't have class anymore so he would pick me up like 10:30 or so and we could head up to Tahoe for the day-which we often do, so I thought nothing of it.
The rest of the day on Monday he kept texting me saying he was doing homework or working on school stuff so he couldn't hang out...which also happens often-so i thought nothing of it- I knew he was probably trying to get everything that was due Wednesday done before we were gone to Tahoe all day Tuesday.

Little did I know he was preparing for today.  He didn't even have class. Sneak, Sneaky.  And this morning , he didn't have work.  Nope, he requested that off a month ago.

Instead what my amazing guy was doing yesterday and from 6am to 10am this morning was driving to Apple Hill (to this spot that over the years has become special to us) and setting this up for me:

He sent me a text this morning asking me to be his valentine and told me he would be at my house around 10:40.  He picked me up and we headed to Jack in the Box to grab me some breakfast before getting on the road.  Now maybe at this point I should have thought something was up-he made a U-turn and headed towards South Lake.  We always go to North Lake except for maybe two times...But when I said "we always go to North lake where are we going?" He casually responded "I thought we'd just go to South Lake since we never do."  Again, I thought nothing of it.  (Later I would learn, he actually contemplated doing it in North Lake, but decided this place was better.) 

So we headed out towards South Lake Tahoe listening to some love song mix CD I made him for his birthday two years ago and talking about normal things.  He didn't seem different, or nervous, or anything really-he was just My Kyle.

We were driving along when we both saw the Apple Hill sign, and he said "Apple Hill?"  To which I quickly responded "Sure why not, we don't have plans."  And he turned off the freeway.  Now here was my next hint...another one I didn't really catch...He got to our spot so quickly.  We found this spot amongst the windy roads of Apple Hill back on our 6 month anniversary and we had a picnic there.  It was such a great day.  We ate and talked for literally hours-and it instantly became a favorite place for the both of us.  We went back two or three times after that looking for it, but could never find it.  So a few years ago we asked some people to help us find it, and we have been going back regularly-the last time was in October.  Even if we don't picnic there, every time we go to Apple Hill we stop at that spot and walk around.  It's usually hard to find though-but on this day Kyle suddenly knew some crazy quick route.  But I just assumed he learned from the last time we spent hours driving around looking for it.  (I'd find out later, he had been there several times lately and had even met the man who owns the property).

We pulled up to the park and I still had no idea.  I had hopes...because I always did...but I didn't expect it in the least.

I put on my jacket and he put on his and we started walking down the grassy hill.  I noticed the balloons in the distance almost immediately.  I started saying things like "Are those for me?"  "Did you do this?"  "Did you have to ask someone?"  I even asked "Is this legal?" (haha. Kyle loved that one.)  As we got closer I realized that this was in fact for me and I thought It was so sweet.  I told him as we got closer that I felt like crying that he was too sweet and I couldn't believe he had done all this for me.  (Still didn't think we were getting engaged.)  Now I should explain, my boyfriend (fiancé now...have to get used to that) is extremely corny.  In the absolute best way.  That being said, it would not have been too crazy for him to actually have done this for me just for a Valentine's Day date.  So, I still just wasn't sure.  It wasn't until I tried to sit down at the chairs and table that he had brought in that I realized something was happening.  He hugged me...told me he loved me...and proceeded to get down on one knee.

This is NOT a photo from the actual moment when he proposed...we jokingly took it after...it is the spot where he did it though.  (And I was later informed that the whole thing was videotaped by a GoPro hanging in the tree above us-true Kyle Haubert fashion.  So we are hoping to be able to take still shots from the footage of the actual moment!)

So yes, down on one knee...he proceeded to tell me how much he loved me and some other things.  To be perfectly honest I cannot remember all that he said because I could not even believe it was happening.  (He told me he remembers it and will write it down for me so I'll know forever)

I do remember him saying "Jerra Lyn Copp...(then reaching in his jacket pocket)...Will you marry me?"  And I said "YES!".  We hugged and kissed and then I said "Can I put that on please?!" haha.

We were both shaking so bad it was hard to get a good picture...but I think this one definitely does it justice.  It is absolutely beautiful.

After the initial shock died down a little we both got out our phones to make some calls...

He had already asked my dad so I called my mom and told her the news!  Then the rest of our parents, my brothers, his brothers, uncles, aunts, grandmas, my girlfriends and his friends.  We had a blast waiting for people to pick up and yelling "WE'RE ENGAGED!!!"  It was so exciting.  Everyone was so wonderful.  We felt so much love and encouragement from each and every call and text.

We have such a great support system, and it was so great to share our news!

After making some phone calls we set up a picnic-it was too cold to sit in the chairs in the shade so we laid out a blanket and ate on the grass just like we did the first time we went there.  I couldn't eat though!  I was too excited. He was so thoughtful though.  Brought my favorites and thought of absolutely everything it seemed.  It could not have been more nicely planned out.  I felt so incredibly special and so, so loved.

We sat and talked for awhile and then decided to take some pictures...we have literally thousands of pictures together and we take them everywhere we go.  I love pictures :)

So here you go...some of our own engagement shoot haha.  Enjoy.

 We ended the day driving to South Lake Tahoe for some walking around and dinner, before coming home to make the rounds to our houses and see our families.   

Everything was absolutely perfect and I could not feel more blessed.  I am so thankful for this amazing guy that God has given me, and I cannot wait for our future together. 

Happy Valentines Day everyone.  

This is certainly one I will NEVER forget.  

Love.

With Valentine's Day coming up LOVE seems like an obvious topic to blog about.
However, my inspiration for this posting is actually from a movie I saw tonight with my bf.


We went to see "The Vow"...which I have been dieing to see since I first saw the preview.  
Quick synopsis: a young (newly) married couple is involved in a car accident in which the wife suffers a traumatic brain injury resulting in memory loss.  Ultimately she loses the last 5 years of her memory and has no recollection of her husband-who in turn tries to make her fall in love with him again.
(I promise you I am giving away nothing that wasn't already given away in the previews-so no worries!)


First of all-how incredibly sad.
And second-what an amazing love. 


I sat through the movie...well cried through it (lol)...thinking about the couple the story was based on.  The real life couple that went through much of what I watched.  I thought about how scary it must have been for her, and how heartbreakingly difficult for him.

The Love of his Life, the woman he Married-had no idea who he was.

I thought of how he could have responded to this news: leaving her immediately, changing stories as he tried to help her remember, getting frustrated and giving up...

But, Love is a pretty powerful thing.

At dinner I mentioned these thoughts to my bf.

I was enjoying my dinner with him when I glanced over and saw this couple in line waiting to order.  She was telling him something, and he sweetly leaned in and kissed her on the forehead and they smiled at each other.  I too, have experienced this type of moment with my bf...many times.  And obviously, it wasn't the first time I've seen a sweet exchange between two people, but having just seen this movie, it got me into deep thinking.  

So, yes, back to what I brought up...this persistent kind of love that I witnessed in the movie.  What makes that happen for some people?  What sparks that interest for two people?  What makes you love a person so insanely much that you are willing to overcome loss of memory just for the chance to love them some more?  What makes you feel so strongly for one person, and nothing for another?

I asked all of these things-i think at first the bf thought I wanted to date other people. (not the case AT ALL).  lol.  It was more my point actually...what was it that so strongly ties me to him, that didn't tie me to anyone else?  What made that boy in line sweetly kiss that girls head, and have no intimate feelings for anyone else?  What made the husband fight to make his wife love him again...when she couldn't even remember she was his wife?

We discussed timing...

Compatibility...

Life situations...

Growth of feelings over time...

And ultimately concluded: It's a God thing.

Some people are in your life for a short time-they can leave a mark large or small, or leave absolutely no imprint at all.  Then there's those who stay much longer-forever even-and they leave a lasting impression.  But none of those relationships come close to that person that God created with you in mind.  The one you would keep falling in love with over, and over, and over again...the one you'd fight for....the one you'd do anything for.

And there's really no explanation for why this happens...or when it happens...or with whom it happens. Except...that "It's a God thing."

As humans, we make mistakes.  Often we take advantage of this gift of love.  We treat it badly, we talk down to it, we disrespect it, some even cheat on it, abuse it, and throw it away.  But this love is a gift.  Its a representation of His love for us.  I believe it is what He gave us to help us through the good and the bad...the happy and the sad.  No one will ever love us like He does...but he can sure put people in our lives to be examples, and reminders, of the love that he provides. 

I challenge you to cherish the love in your life.  On Valentine's Day, and everyday in between. 

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for...in no particular order.

Caffeine.  I have been having horrible headaches, and caffeine is a wonderful thing. 

God. He is constantly challenging me to surrender to his plan and trust.

My family.  They are amazing people. 

Project Runway.  I love watching creative people and I can't wait to watch the next episode of All Stars. 

Pinterest.  It keeps me entertained, and gives me new and creative things to try.

My boyfriend.  He is so supportive, and cute, and funny, and so many other things. I love him. 

The interview that I had yesterday.  It was a positive experience, and I really needed it.

The power of prayer.  It seriously can help me find peace in the nastiest of storms.

The Sacramento Kings.  I am such a fan, and I am thankful for the entertainment they provide.  Cant wait for the game tonight with my love!

This Beautiful weather: seriously. its gorgeous out.

That I can wash my hair today. haha.  I got my hair done and you can't wash it for two days.  I cannot wait! 

Enjoy your Thursday everyone!  And remember to be thankful for the little things.

Oh, timing.

Tomorrow I have an interview.  I'm not going to share details about it yet, or even say what the position is. Only that it is for something totally different than anything I've done and honestly has no relation to my major.  A break from retail, perhaps?  I must admit I am hoping so.
I am curious, excited, and nervous all at the same time.  But mostly I am encouraged by God's ability to take over and provide at the best possible times.  Even if I don't get this job, or if it turns out to be the wrong thing for me, this interview is good timing.  I needed this encouragement...and I am grateful for His timely response.

So, prayers please.
And let's see where this goes.

Focusing on the perfect timing of NOW.

I was thinking today that I've been a little negative as of late...or a lot negative.  I have felt down about my job search that has resulted in absolutely NO calls, or emails back-except those to tell me I am unqualified for what I applied for.  I also have felt discouraged about my health-I was trying to get back into working out and eating better but instead started getting headaches every single day that made me want to do anything but work out...and resulted in me consuming a large amount of french fries. whoops. 

I also have been struggling with timing.  I'm 23 years old and I already graduated from college.  BUT...Why am I living at home?  Why don't I have a job?  Why am I reconsidering my major choice?  Why am I not engaged?  Why have I not done more with my life?  Why so many things?  Why...why...why?  Oh, yea. Because its NOT my timing.  And it's not my plan. It's HIS.  So this week, I'm moving forward with absolute surrender.  Surrendering to his timing and his plan. 

Remembering that every single day is apart of my journey.

Molding me and shaping me for His great purpose.

A purpose that is far greater than I can comprehend.

  

Happy Monday, All. 

and the hunt continues.

So, I've been on the job hunt for a few weeks now.  Filling out, and turning in applications and trying to re-work my resume...and I'm discouraged to say the least.
I went to school so that when I graduated, I would have a better chance of finding a good job.  However, that's proving to be much more difficult than I expected.
I guess I just figured since I had my degree, and I spent a lot of sweat, tears, hours of my life, and lost so much sleep that that would matter to someone and I would be rewarded for that-with a job.
Maybe that's just my fault for being naive-and also for not taking into account the billions of other people who live on this planet and also need to work.
I just didn't expect to be 23...living at home...with no job.
I probably sound incredibly silly right now...I am fully aware that 23 is YOUNG.  And I LOVE my family, so living with them is wonderful.  And I in no way am writing this to evoke a pity party...more just to get my feelings out.

I feel a little frustrated...and a lot discouraged.  I don't know how people do this for years.  I don't know how people with multiple degrees and extended experience do this.  Because that's the truth.  There are people much more qualified than I, who are looking for jobs too.

So to all you out there looking for jobs too-I feel your stress, and I understand your frustration.  And to those of you with jobs-especially those of you who get to do something you love on a daily basis-Im envious of you and I encourage you to work every day with your whole heart, and be grateful for what you have.

Crossroads.

You know that point in your life where you aren't really sure what to do, or what comes next?
Yep, I'm right there.
That Crossroad.
I graduated about 7 months ago from College, got a job really quickly, and then quit that job about 3 weeks ago.
Now its making me rethink everything.
Did I major in the right thing?  Did I go to the right school?  What do I want to do with my life?
And ultimately: what makes me really, really happy?
I know it might seem far fetched, but one of my goals in life is to live out the saying "If you do something you love, then you'll never have to work a day in your life"...
Now don't get me wrong, I realize there will be days that even the best, most amazing job in the entire world could bring me to my wits end...but I want to feel most days like I'm enjoying my time.  I also realize that a lot of this has to do with my own personal attitude.  I make the choice every single day to be happy, as well as to enjoy the circumstances I am in.  But at the same time....there are certain things that I cannot control, and certain things I can't make happen...much as I'd like to.
SO....
yea.
what to do next.
I am totally lost on the answer to this question.  

rambling thoughts of an insomniac hypochondriac

I can't sleep at night. I am amazing at sleeping during the day...but when it comes to sleeping at night...I'm the worst.
It's like as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts racing with things I need to do, or worse things I should have done already but have been putting off, and still worse, I start thinking of everything I am afraid of.
For those of you don't know me, I am a hypochondriac.  Self diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure the doctors would agree. lol.  And I'm POSITIVE my family already does.
If I hear about some disease or illness going around, its only a matter of moments before I am convinced I have it too.  Around 8th grade or so I started driving my parents crazy because every other day I was certain I had meningitis.  I had heard that it made you sick to your stomach and your neck stiff.  So every five minutes or so I would bend my chin to my chest and start crying because I was certain that It was getting harder and harder to do.
In high school, I discovered Web MD.  This was NOT my friend.  Every other day I had something new.  All kinds of crazy things you only see on episodes of House....yep, I was certain I had them.
I've gotten better the last few years, and I no longer think I have every illness known to man, but I still worry.
I can't really watch the news.  This is actually something that really bothers me.  Sometimes it makes me feel selfish.  For instance, last year when the tsunami hit, I had to turn the TV off.  I literally could not watch the coverage.  And its not just the huge catastrophes that rock the world that I can't handle-its the little ones too.  I can't watch any stories about anyone dieing without thinking about my own mortality, and slipping right into panic mode.
Yet another thing I struggle with...thoughts of my own mortality.  These thoughts creep up on me sometimes and I literally have panic attacks.  Sometimes, I honestly feel like my fear of dieing keeps me from living.  I am constantly aware of the fact that I am not here forever....and while I totally one hundred percent believe in Heaven, and believe that it is a wonderful place completely beyond my comprehension...that in itself is what gets me.  How can I be prepared for something which I cannot comprehend?  I obviously have a control issue, and a desire to understand all variables.  But I can't help it.  Sometimes life makes absolutely no sense to me.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why do some people die so so young, and others live to be so old?  Why are there even things like tsunamis and cancer?  I have a list a mile long of why's....and I know I will never understand any of them this side of Heaven.
A few weeks ago, this wonderful woman in my life brought me this book called "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence".  Boy do I need some of that...some peace.
I read this passage tonight...and it hit home with me so hard...

"I want you to learn a new habit  Try saying 'I trust you Jesus' in response to whatever happens to you.  ..This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe.  When you view events from this perspective-Through the light of My universal Presence- fear loses its grip on you."

"FEAR LOSES ITS GRIP ON YOU"

 
So tonight FEAR....at 2:07 pm...I release your grip on me.  You don't get to control me tonight....and instead  I will say, "I trust you Jesus.  Thank you in advance for the Peace that I know you will provide. "

Goodnight world.  

And it's only just begun...

So far 2012 has treated me very well.
I ended my 2011 with the boyfriend.
He took me out to dinner at The Melting Pot, and then downtown to watch the fireworks. It was such a great way to end one year, and begin another!
It was our first time at The Melting Pot, and the food was AH-MAZING! My favorites were the strawberry salad, the beef with teriyaki sauce, my "Love Martini", the pound cake dipped in chocolate, and my date :)

Before heading out for dinner.

Downtown for fireworks!

My New Years Kiss <3

Such a fun night!!  And today, we got to go to a Kings game and watch my favorite team get a win!

I can't wait to go back on Thursday, to hopefully see them win again, with my daddy!  I got us tickets as part of his Christmas gift!  I love going to games with him!

Such a great start to the year already...and it's only January 2nd. 

Looking forward to all that God has planned in the coming months.

I know there are some wonderful memories to be made....

Happy New Year Everyone!

New Year

I was reflecting on the past year today...as many of us do on the last day of the year.  This year has had a lot of ups and downs...good and bad...happy and sad....
In April I celebrated another year with my boyfriend...making that 5 amazing years together.  I feel extremely lucky for each and every year that we spend together.
In May I graduated from San Francisco State University.  This was a huge milestone in my life, and an event I will never forget.
Also in May, my brother graduated from Junior High.  It was pretty crazy watching him become a high schooler!
In June I got a new job and thought that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my future.
In July, my parents celebrated 28 years together and me and my brothers were able to send them to Rascal Flatts to celebrate!
In August I watched my brother play in his first college football game.  As his sister, knowing how long he had waited for this, I was extremely proud!
In October, my Grandma was in a car accident that left her with a broken back and resulted in both she and my Grandpa moving in with us.
In November, my brother hurt his neck in a football game and was unable to finish the season.
In December, I quit my job.
In December, my brother moved home from school.
In December, everything I thought I had figured out about my future...I realized I hadn't.

Life has a funny way of surprising us.
Just when you think you are on the right track...something derails you.
It can be overwhelming, and exhausting, and completely confusing.  But at the same time, life is incredible.
It teaches you things every single day.

This year I learned a lot about myself.
Im thankful for the trials that showed me my strength.  Im thankful for the hard times that helped me to grow.  Im thankful for the people in my life who held me up when I couldn't hold myself.  Im thankful for the opportunities God gave me this year and I look forward to the journey he has in store for me in 2012.

Thanksgiving Living

We've been doing a series at church about Thanksgiving Living and the idea of living with an attitude of gratitude every single day.  On this Thanksgiving Day, I was a little overwhelmed by how true the need for this is.  I logged onto Facebook this morning and was bombarded with a newsfeed full of thanksgiving.  What a great thing to read!  Each status was an outpouring of thanks rather than the usual complaining and smack talk I usually see.  I will admit I am guilty of this as well.  I often share with the Facebook world when I am having a frustrating day, or when my head is hurting, or when something bad is going on.  I try to refrain from complaining about every little thing thats going on in my life because I find that utterly annoying-but sometimes I fall into the trend.

But, what if we didn't do that every single day of our lives?  

What if we just had one day full of complaining, and all the other days were just like Thanksgiving?

In the morning, we all woke up and immediately started feeling thankful for things.  Throughout the day we took time out to remind others of why we were thankful for them.  And at night before we went to bed, we didn't lay down and recall all the bad, annoying, frustrating things of the day, but instead we reminisced on all the good things of the day...all the many little things we have to be thankful for.
This will be a challenge for me.  I tend to live a little more glass half empty than full.  But I truly don't want to continue that kind of thinking.  I want to be the type of person who celebrates Thanksgiving Living every single day.  It's a habit that must be practiced and learned, but I plan to try.
And what better time to start than on the Thanksgiving day we celebrate with the rest of the world?

So, Today,
I am thankful for my God-who is there for me and loves me-all of the time-no matter what.
I am thankful for my family-who has stood by me every step of my journey and continues to help me grow and learn every day-God has truly blessed me with such a wonderful family.
I am thankful for my boyfriend-who encourages me and loves me at my worst-who looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am when I feel like crap-and who I cannot imagine going through life without.
I am thankful for the friends in my life who let me be me and love me despite my faults and shortcomings.
I am thankful for the freedom and security that this country provides for us-I know its not perfect, and I know people are often upset by how things are run-but when you REALLY think about it, and you really get down to it, all of us who live in this free place, are extremely lucky.
I am thankful that even though I may not always do the right things, and I may not always respond the right way, there is always room for growth and opportunity in another day.
I am thankful for today, and everyday that I am alive.
And Im thankful that this thankful list could go on for many more "Im thankful for's".  That feels like a good start to Thanksgiving Living.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone....and remember there is always, always, ALWAYS, something to be thankful for.

Clothe Yourself.

I was wasting time on my newest addiction-pinterest-when I came across this photo:

For me, getting dressed is a very important part of my day.  I know that sounds silly, but I have always felt that a persons style is a form of self expression.  I love picking out my outfit for the day, and accessorizing it.   I always try to look my best, and I put effort into my appearance.  This is usually a bit of a process.  I won't lie, it takes me a good amount of time to get ready in the morning.  I won't share how long, because its not really an increment of time Im proud of.  I will just say it takes me longer to get ready then it should.

Usually as I get ready I also have my computer playing an episode of a show I missed, or on youtube playing songs off my playlist.  It's the same routine every single day.

This photo made me think though....why don't I spend the same amount of time clothing my emotional self as I do clothing my physical self?  Everyday I put on a shirt.  Everyday I put on pants.  Everyday I put on shoes.  But, do I remember to put on compassion everyday?  Do I clothe myself in kindness and humility?  Do I remind myself to be patient every morning and on into my day?  The answer to these questions, is sadly-NO.  I don't take the same care, or thought, with these things as I do with the clothing that I put on my physical body.

I have a feeling that walking around without compassion, kindness, humility, and patience, is just as bad (if not worse) then walking around completely naked-and I REALLY don't want to do that.

So this week:  I challenge myself to focus a little more on how Im clothing my inside, and a little less on worrying about the outside.     

That's enough.

Do you ever have that feeling like you just don't measure up?  Like everything, and everyone around you just makes you feel so small and insignificant?
Lately, I've been feeling a little that way...okay a lot that way.
I want to do the right things, but I feel like I keep doing them wrong.  I'm trying to say the right things, but i just word vomit up the wrong stuff.  Its so hard when you are trying to explain how something makes you feel, and every word you say just seems to make things worse.  The to everyone else you come out sounding like a brat, but on the inside all you feel is insecure, unheard, and completely misunderstood.  It's so frustrating when you try so incredibly hard to do the right things, and you still come out in the wrong.
That's how I feel right now.
In all aspects of my life.
I'm trying all day, everyday, to be enough....and I just don't measure up.


In thinking about these feelings, I remembered these words from a church song that I love...

"And all of you, is more than enough for all of me,

 for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me, and all I have in you is more than enough.  

More than all i want, more than all I need.  You are more than enough for me.  

More than all I know, more than all i can say, you are more than enough for me."

...and I realize, I am not enough, nor will I ever be enough if I keep looking for that satisfaction in all the wrong places.  I don't need to be enough for you, or you, or even you.  I just need to be enough for HIM, and know that He is more than enough for me.

I'm done striving to "measure up" to those around me.  The people who have mauled my beliefs of who I am and what I'm worth.  Im done looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places.  And I no longer will seek acknowledgment, or approval, from those who wish to tell me what I am and am not capable and worthy of.  I am loved by the only one who "is love" and therefore I am worthy of all that he provides.  I am worthy of his greatness.  And through him I am enough.

 

Practicing Faith.

Sometimes life just feels heavy...and scary.  As I shared in my last post-our house is now quite chaotic with the addition of my grandparents.  Things with them are pretty much the same.  My grandma is continuing with her rehab, and the nurses are still trying to find the right combination of medication that will help with the pain-which seems to still be very intense.  My grandpa is as busy, and confused as ever.  This morning he tried to turn the TV on with my cell phone, and when my computer started playing music he thought my phone was receiving a message.  He is absolutely hilarious-and at the same time, watching him scares me to death.  I have an extreme fear of death...at certain times in my life this fear has been literally crippling to me...its something I am constantly trying to deal with.  I heard in a worship song one Sunday morning the words, "As I walk from earth into eternity..."  What a peaceful image of death...I try to hang on to that thought, and remind myself of those words when I am feeling scared...and I practice faith.  I try to remember that God has this all planned out...and its really up to him how this all goes.  Thats a hard concept to grasp, and a hard thing to let go of.  But surely if he gave up his life for me, then I can trust him with mine.

This past weekend my brother came home from school for a visit, and to get a little support before going back for a doctors appointment.  My brother plays college football and during his last game he injured his neck.  As a result of whatever he injured, he is now experiencing some numbness down his arms and into his hands-talk about scary.  He went in yesterday for some X-rays and those came back showing nothing so tomorrow he goes in for an MRI.  I am praying for him, and thinking of him constantly-but ultimately Im trying to step out in faith.  To know that God already knows whats wrong, and that it's all a part of his plan.

Even when life seems heavy...unfair...complicated...you just have to keep the faith.  Remember that God has a bigger, far better plan than anything you can possibly imagine.  That life is just a journey, full of events, that keep you walking on into eternity.

    

A little bit of this-and a little bit of that.

I am officially the worst blogger EVER.  Multiple times a day i think to myself 'I should write about that in my blog!' and then I never seem to find the time.

So here is an update of the last month and a half...and here's to trying to be better at keeping up on this thing.

Life:
This past month has been kind of nuts.  First of all I should update you all on my last post...my new job opportunity.  I did end up turning that down.  I realize many people will find that incredibly stupid but I still feel I made the best decision for me at this time.  I am learning a lot, and am looking forward to future opportunities that Im sure will still come along.  I tried to make the smartest possible decision for me that would in the long run benefit me in the most ways.  I felt that by accepting that position I would be in a way setting myself up for failure.  I know, I know...how do you know if you never try?...but honestly I was lacking so many things that I would need to succeed in that position.  The first of which was simply time.  I had literally been with the company for 60 days-thats not even out of probation.  While I still consider the offer a great honor, it was not the right time for this.  Maybe someday.  But I have a feeling I will end up going in a different direction.

Then my grandma was in a car accident.  It was the first rainy day of the season and the roads were a mess.  There were accidents everywhere, and my grandma was involved in one of them.  She was driving on the freeway when she was sideswiped and pushed into the median.  She suffered broken ribs, a broken collarbone, broken bones in her back, and her car was totaled.  I was at work that day, and my parents didn't tell me what had happened until I got home that night because they didn't want me to be worrying all day long.  We went to visit her in ICU that night.  I hate ICU.  I hate hospitals...period.  ICU was full of other car accident victims that night.  In the room next to my grandmas was a boy my age who had been in a head on collision with a big rig.  He had undergone brain surgery that morning and it was still uncertain whether or not he would ever wake up.  I watched as his family and friends cried and tried to comfort one another in the halls.  Two rooms down from him was another young gentleman who had been in a car accident as well.  He too had suffered brain injuries...but his family had already been told he wouldn't make it.  While I was there that night, at least 10 people came to see him and say there goodbyes.  I found out he passed away the next morning.  I went to visit my grandma several times that week in ICU.  That I know of at least 3 people didn't make it...I still don't know what happened to the boy my age with brain injuries...but I still pray for him and his family often.  I felt a little guilty that week in ICU.  Even though my grandma had been hurt, and I know she was in so much pain, I couldn't help but feel so fortunate.  She was moving, and breathing, and eating, and speaking-all on her own and on minimal machines.  There were people all over the place who looked like robots with all of their attachments.  It made me feel guilty and extremely lucky all at the same time.
Two years ago I lost my other grandma.  And a year and a half ago I lost a man who was like a father to me.  I know that pain and I've felt that loss that they were feeling.  You feel extremely connected to those people you share a hospital wing with.  Even though you don't know them...you can't help but feel that connection of shared experience, and my heart broke every time I went to visit my grandma.  Selfishly for me, that week she was in ICU was really hard...I can't imagine how she must have felt.
After her week in the hospital she was moved to a rehab center-the same one my grandma was in when she passed away.  This too brought up strange emotions.  The first time I went to see her in the rehab center I felt a huge lump in my throat, and I immediately got sick to my stomach.  It was so strange being back there, and visiting someone different this time...and knowing that the last time I was there was the night before my other grandma had passed away.  It was a strange, sad feeling to say the least.
Now my grandma, and grandpa, are living in my house with the rest of the family.  My grandpa has been staying with us for the past few weeks, and my grandma just got released from the rehab center this morning.  For those of you who don't know, my grandpa has Alzheimer's.  In my opinion, he has gotten progressively worse in the last year, and it's a little frightening to watch.  He is extremely forgetful, and often terribly confused which leads to moments of intense anger.  I had never really seen this side of him until this past week.  The other day my family went to watch my brother play football at Menlo, and my grandpa came along.  He fell asleep on the way home in the car and when he woke up he didn't know where he was.  He started shaking his head and mumbling to himself.  When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he just wished he could fill in the gaps.  He had forgotten where he was, why he was there, and how he had gotten to this place.  It broke my heart.  I answered all of his questions, and that seemed to ease his mind a little.  But it doesn't always.  Sometimes it makes him really angry.  I think because he is so frustrated by not being able to remember-and i think he is scared.  That day when he woke up, he had tears in his eyes as he mumbled to himself.  I wish I could take that fear from him.  I wish I could make him remember everything.  I wish that the day where he might not remember me, or my family members wasn't coming-but i can't help but believe that it is.
I know that this past month has put an immense amount of stress on my parents.  And yet, they always seem to figure things out.  I am incredibly proud of my parents and admire their strength as well as their marriage everyday.  They are best friends, and they support one another in everything.  They truly meant in "good times and in bad" and I watch them live that out every single day.
I am so glad to have my grandma safe and on her way to recovering.  It will be a long road, and it will continue to be hard at times.  But I am incredibly blessed to have the family that I have, and I know that they will provide all the love, support, and care that she and my grandpa need.

The family at Luke's game-minus Logan. 

Love:
I like to think I'm pretty lucky in love.  Some people wait a really long time for it to come along...but i feel blessed that I didn't have to.  People tease me all the time that I am so young and how can I know...after all we have been together since we were 17 years old.  But i strongly believe that when you fall for someone that young there are two possibilities:
1.  you grow as people and that pushes you apart.  The growth you both experience helps you to see that you are wrong for each other.
or
2.  you grow as people and that grows you together.
Me and him, just keep on growing, and we always end up together.  We just hit our 5 1/2 year mark and I still find things out about him that make me love him more.
We both work, and he goes to school so we don't always see each other as much as I'd like but last week we did finally get to go to the pumpkin patch!  He took me to apple hill for the day which is one of our favorite places to go!  There's this picnic spot there that we both love and its become a special spot for us over the years.

Celebrating our 6 month anniversary at that picnic spot...

Back again around 4 1/2 years...

And this year around 5/12 years :)

And today I got a nice "happy november" surprise from this great guy.  I haven't been feeling well the last few days and today I was off from work.  I was laying bed catching up on my shows when my door swung open and there he was with flowers and starbucks! He spent the rest of the day watching movies and relaxing with me :)  I feel Incredibly lucky.

I love Sunflowers. 

& I love my guy.

The Pursuit of Clothes:
I am constantly on the lookout for new clothes.  It's really a problem.  Especially working where I work-at a mall- I am surrounded by new things.  The worst for me isn't even the store I work in, but the surrounding stores.  I swear the deals at Forever 21 are my kryptonite.  I tell myself I'm not going to shop and then i convince myself "its so cheap though!"  Its horrible.  lol.  My newest addiction is crossroads.  I take my old clothes there and I walk out with clothes that are brand new to me and cost me close to nothing.  I used to find it totally gross to go there at all.  I found it even more gross to wear someone else's clothes...and then I thought about it.  I take really good care of my clothing.  Some of the stuff I take to sell there I have worn once (and I hate to admit it) but some of it I has never even been worn at all.  And a lot of my stuff, they still won't buy it.  So if they are THAT picky, then it can't be that "gross"..and besides that I wash it all anyways.  So what the heck?  Plus, I just spent the last two years of my life being drowned in information about sustainability and greener behaviors.  So i can add that to my list of why i need these new items-hello I'm helping recycle clothing-and thus saving the world.  Right? Right.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Speaking of sticking to it.  For the month of October I gave myself a budget of $100 to shop with.  I went over by $43.  But hey, its a start.  This month I vow to shop less, MUCH less.  I actually think I'm scaring my boyfriend away a little...kind of the opposite of what I'm hoping to have happen after 5 years ;)

So yea. That's that.
A little lengthier than I would like to have my posts...like I said...Im going to try and be better at this.
Bye for now.