It's like as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts racing with things I need to do, or worse things I should have done already but have been putting off, and still worse, I start thinking of everything I am afraid of.
For those of you don't know me, I am a hypochondriac. Self diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure the doctors would agree. lol. And I'm POSITIVE my family already does.
If I hear about some disease or illness going around, its only a matter of moments before I am convinced I have it too. Around 8th grade or so I started driving my parents crazy because every other day I was certain I had meningitis. I had heard that it made you sick to your stomach and your neck stiff. So every five minutes or so I would bend my chin to my chest and start crying because I was certain that It was getting harder and harder to do.
In high school, I discovered Web MD. This was NOT my friend. Every other day I had something new. All kinds of crazy things you only see on episodes of House....yep, I was certain I had them.
I've gotten better the last few years, and I no longer think I have every illness known to man, but I still worry.
I can't really watch the news. This is actually something that really bothers me. Sometimes it makes me feel selfish. For instance, last year when the tsunami hit, I had to turn the TV off. I literally could not watch the coverage. And its not just the huge catastrophes that rock the world that I can't handle-its the little ones too. I can't watch any stories about anyone dieing without thinking about my own mortality, and slipping right into panic mode.
Yet another thing I struggle with...thoughts of my own mortality. These thoughts creep up on me sometimes and I literally have panic attacks. Sometimes, I honestly feel like my fear of dieing keeps me from living. I am constantly aware of the fact that I am not here forever....and while I totally one hundred percent believe in Heaven, and believe that it is a wonderful place completely beyond my comprehension...that in itself is what gets me. How can I be prepared for something which I cannot comprehend? I obviously have a control issue, and a desire to understand all variables. But I can't help it. Sometimes life makes absolutely no sense to me. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do some people die so so young, and others live to be so old? Why are there even things like tsunamis and cancer? I have a list a mile long of why's....and I know I will never understand any of them this side of Heaven.
A few weeks ago, this wonderful woman in my life brought me this book called "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence". Boy do I need some of that...some peace.
I read this passage tonight...and it hit home with me so hard...
"I want you to learn a new habit Try saying 'I trust you Jesus' in response to whatever happens to you. ..This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective-Through the light of My universal Presence- fear loses its grip on you."
"FEAR LOSES ITS GRIP ON YOU"
So tonight FEAR....at 2:07 pm...I release your grip on me. You don't get to control me tonight....and instead I will say, "I trust you Jesus. Thank you in advance for the Peace that I know you will provide. "
Goodnight world.
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