and the hunt continues.

So, I've been on the job hunt for a few weeks now.  Filling out, and turning in applications and trying to re-work my resume...and I'm discouraged to say the least.
I went to school so that when I graduated, I would have a better chance of finding a good job.  However, that's proving to be much more difficult than I expected.
I guess I just figured since I had my degree, and I spent a lot of sweat, tears, hours of my life, and lost so much sleep that that would matter to someone and I would be rewarded for that-with a job.
Maybe that's just my fault for being naive-and also for not taking into account the billions of other people who live on this planet and also need to work.
I just didn't expect to be 23...living at home...with no job.
I probably sound incredibly silly right now...I am fully aware that 23 is YOUNG.  And I LOVE my family, so living with them is wonderful.  And I in no way am writing this to evoke a pity party...more just to get my feelings out.

I feel a little frustrated...and a lot discouraged.  I don't know how people do this for years.  I don't know how people with multiple degrees and extended experience do this.  Because that's the truth.  There are people much more qualified than I, who are looking for jobs too.

So to all you out there looking for jobs too-I feel your stress, and I understand your frustration.  And to those of you with jobs-especially those of you who get to do something you love on a daily basis-Im envious of you and I encourage you to work every day with your whole heart, and be grateful for what you have.

Crossroads.

You know that point in your life where you aren't really sure what to do, or what comes next?
Yep, I'm right there.
That Crossroad.
I graduated about 7 months ago from College, got a job really quickly, and then quit that job about 3 weeks ago.
Now its making me rethink everything.
Did I major in the right thing?  Did I go to the right school?  What do I want to do with my life?
And ultimately: what makes me really, really happy?
I know it might seem far fetched, but one of my goals in life is to live out the saying "If you do something you love, then you'll never have to work a day in your life"...
Now don't get me wrong, I realize there will be days that even the best, most amazing job in the entire world could bring me to my wits end...but I want to feel most days like I'm enjoying my time.  I also realize that a lot of this has to do with my own personal attitude.  I make the choice every single day to be happy, as well as to enjoy the circumstances I am in.  But at the same time....there are certain things that I cannot control, and certain things I can't make happen...much as I'd like to.
SO....
yea.
what to do next.
I am totally lost on the answer to this question.  

rambling thoughts of an insomniac hypochondriac

I can't sleep at night. I am amazing at sleeping during the day...but when it comes to sleeping at night...I'm the worst.
It's like as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts racing with things I need to do, or worse things I should have done already but have been putting off, and still worse, I start thinking of everything I am afraid of.
For those of you don't know me, I am a hypochondriac.  Self diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure the doctors would agree. lol.  And I'm POSITIVE my family already does.
If I hear about some disease or illness going around, its only a matter of moments before I am convinced I have it too.  Around 8th grade or so I started driving my parents crazy because every other day I was certain I had meningitis.  I had heard that it made you sick to your stomach and your neck stiff.  So every five minutes or so I would bend my chin to my chest and start crying because I was certain that It was getting harder and harder to do.
In high school, I discovered Web MD.  This was NOT my friend.  Every other day I had something new.  All kinds of crazy things you only see on episodes of House....yep, I was certain I had them.
I've gotten better the last few years, and I no longer think I have every illness known to man, but I still worry.
I can't really watch the news.  This is actually something that really bothers me.  Sometimes it makes me feel selfish.  For instance, last year when the tsunami hit, I had to turn the TV off.  I literally could not watch the coverage.  And its not just the huge catastrophes that rock the world that I can't handle-its the little ones too.  I can't watch any stories about anyone dieing without thinking about my own mortality, and slipping right into panic mode.
Yet another thing I struggle with...thoughts of my own mortality.  These thoughts creep up on me sometimes and I literally have panic attacks.  Sometimes, I honestly feel like my fear of dieing keeps me from living.  I am constantly aware of the fact that I am not here forever....and while I totally one hundred percent believe in Heaven, and believe that it is a wonderful place completely beyond my comprehension...that in itself is what gets me.  How can I be prepared for something which I cannot comprehend?  I obviously have a control issue, and a desire to understand all variables.  But I can't help it.  Sometimes life makes absolutely no sense to me.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why do some people die so so young, and others live to be so old?  Why are there even things like tsunamis and cancer?  I have a list a mile long of why's....and I know I will never understand any of them this side of Heaven.
A few weeks ago, this wonderful woman in my life brought me this book called "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence".  Boy do I need some of that...some peace.
I read this passage tonight...and it hit home with me so hard...

"I want you to learn a new habit  Try saying 'I trust you Jesus' in response to whatever happens to you.  ..This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe.  When you view events from this perspective-Through the light of My universal Presence- fear loses its grip on you."

"FEAR LOSES ITS GRIP ON YOU"

 
So tonight FEAR....at 2:07 pm...I release your grip on me.  You don't get to control me tonight....and instead  I will say, "I trust you Jesus.  Thank you in advance for the Peace that I know you will provide. "

Goodnight world.  

And it's only just begun...

So far 2012 has treated me very well.
I ended my 2011 with the boyfriend.
He took me out to dinner at The Melting Pot, and then downtown to watch the fireworks. It was such a great way to end one year, and begin another!
It was our first time at The Melting Pot, and the food was AH-MAZING! My favorites were the strawberry salad, the beef with teriyaki sauce, my "Love Martini", the pound cake dipped in chocolate, and my date :)

Before heading out for dinner.

Downtown for fireworks!

My New Years Kiss <3

Such a fun night!!  And today, we got to go to a Kings game and watch my favorite team get a win!

I can't wait to go back on Thursday, to hopefully see them win again, with my daddy!  I got us tickets as part of his Christmas gift!  I love going to games with him!

Such a great start to the year already...and it's only January 2nd. 

Looking forward to all that God has planned in the coming months.

I know there are some wonderful memories to be made....

Happy New Year Everyone!

New Year

I was reflecting on the past year today...as many of us do on the last day of the year.  This year has had a lot of ups and downs...good and bad...happy and sad....
In April I celebrated another year with my boyfriend...making that 5 amazing years together.  I feel extremely lucky for each and every year that we spend together.
In May I graduated from San Francisco State University.  This was a huge milestone in my life, and an event I will never forget.
Also in May, my brother graduated from Junior High.  It was pretty crazy watching him become a high schooler!
In June I got a new job and thought that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my future.
In July, my parents celebrated 28 years together and me and my brothers were able to send them to Rascal Flatts to celebrate!
In August I watched my brother play in his first college football game.  As his sister, knowing how long he had waited for this, I was extremely proud!
In October, my Grandma was in a car accident that left her with a broken back and resulted in both she and my Grandpa moving in with us.
In November, my brother hurt his neck in a football game and was unable to finish the season.
In December, I quit my job.
In December, my brother moved home from school.
In December, everything I thought I had figured out about my future...I realized I hadn't.

Life has a funny way of surprising us.
Just when you think you are on the right track...something derails you.
It can be overwhelming, and exhausting, and completely confusing.  But at the same time, life is incredible.
It teaches you things every single day.

This year I learned a lot about myself.
Im thankful for the trials that showed me my strength.  Im thankful for the hard times that helped me to grow.  Im thankful for the people in my life who held me up when I couldn't hold myself.  Im thankful for the opportunities God gave me this year and I look forward to the journey he has in store for me in 2012.

Thanksgiving Living

We've been doing a series at church about Thanksgiving Living and the idea of living with an attitude of gratitude every single day.  On this Thanksgiving Day, I was a little overwhelmed by how true the need for this is.  I logged onto Facebook this morning and was bombarded with a newsfeed full of thanksgiving.  What a great thing to read!  Each status was an outpouring of thanks rather than the usual complaining and smack talk I usually see.  I will admit I am guilty of this as well.  I often share with the Facebook world when I am having a frustrating day, or when my head is hurting, or when something bad is going on.  I try to refrain from complaining about every little thing thats going on in my life because I find that utterly annoying-but sometimes I fall into the trend.

But, what if we didn't do that every single day of our lives?  

What if we just had one day full of complaining, and all the other days were just like Thanksgiving?

In the morning, we all woke up and immediately started feeling thankful for things.  Throughout the day we took time out to remind others of why we were thankful for them.  And at night before we went to bed, we didn't lay down and recall all the bad, annoying, frustrating things of the day, but instead we reminisced on all the good things of the day...all the many little things we have to be thankful for.
This will be a challenge for me.  I tend to live a little more glass half empty than full.  But I truly don't want to continue that kind of thinking.  I want to be the type of person who celebrates Thanksgiving Living every single day.  It's a habit that must be practiced and learned, but I plan to try.
And what better time to start than on the Thanksgiving day we celebrate with the rest of the world?

So, Today,
I am thankful for my God-who is there for me and loves me-all of the time-no matter what.
I am thankful for my family-who has stood by me every step of my journey and continues to help me grow and learn every day-God has truly blessed me with such a wonderful family.
I am thankful for my boyfriend-who encourages me and loves me at my worst-who looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am when I feel like crap-and who I cannot imagine going through life without.
I am thankful for the friends in my life who let me be me and love me despite my faults and shortcomings.
I am thankful for the freedom and security that this country provides for us-I know its not perfect, and I know people are often upset by how things are run-but when you REALLY think about it, and you really get down to it, all of us who live in this free place, are extremely lucky.
I am thankful that even though I may not always do the right things, and I may not always respond the right way, there is always room for growth and opportunity in another day.
I am thankful for today, and everyday that I am alive.
And Im thankful that this thankful list could go on for many more "Im thankful for's".  That feels like a good start to Thanksgiving Living.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone....and remember there is always, always, ALWAYS, something to be thankful for.

Clothe Yourself.

I was wasting time on my newest addiction-pinterest-when I came across this photo:

For me, getting dressed is a very important part of my day.  I know that sounds silly, but I have always felt that a persons style is a form of self expression.  I love picking out my outfit for the day, and accessorizing it.   I always try to look my best, and I put effort into my appearance.  This is usually a bit of a process.  I won't lie, it takes me a good amount of time to get ready in the morning.  I won't share how long, because its not really an increment of time Im proud of.  I will just say it takes me longer to get ready then it should.

Usually as I get ready I also have my computer playing an episode of a show I missed, or on youtube playing songs off my playlist.  It's the same routine every single day.

This photo made me think though....why don't I spend the same amount of time clothing my emotional self as I do clothing my physical self?  Everyday I put on a shirt.  Everyday I put on pants.  Everyday I put on shoes.  But, do I remember to put on compassion everyday?  Do I clothe myself in kindness and humility?  Do I remind myself to be patient every morning and on into my day?  The answer to these questions, is sadly-NO.  I don't take the same care, or thought, with these things as I do with the clothing that I put on my physical body.

I have a feeling that walking around without compassion, kindness, humility, and patience, is just as bad (if not worse) then walking around completely naked-and I REALLY don't want to do that.

So this week:  I challenge myself to focus a little more on how Im clothing my inside, and a little less on worrying about the outside.