We've been doing a series at church about Thanksgiving Living and the idea of living with an attitude of gratitude every single day. On this Thanksgiving Day, I was a little overwhelmed by how true the need for this is. I logged onto Facebook this morning and was bombarded with a newsfeed full of thanksgiving. What a great thing to read! Each status was an outpouring of thanks rather than the usual complaining and smack talk I usually see. I will admit I am guilty of this as well. I often share with the Facebook world when I am having a frustrating day, or when my head is hurting, or when something bad is going on. I try to refrain from complaining about every little thing thats going on in my life because I find that utterly annoying-but sometimes I fall into the trend.
But, what if we didn't do that every single day of our lives?
What if we just had one day full of complaining, and all the other days were just like Thanksgiving?
In the morning, we all woke up and immediately started feeling thankful for things. Throughout the day we took time out to remind others of why we were thankful for them. And at night before we went to bed, we didn't lay down and recall all the bad, annoying, frustrating things of the day, but instead we reminisced on all the good things of the day...all the many little things we have to be thankful for.
This will be a challenge for me. I tend to live a little more glass half empty than full. But I truly don't want to continue that kind of thinking. I want to be the type of person who celebrates Thanksgiving Living every single day. It's a habit that must be practiced and learned, but I plan to try.
And what better time to start than on the Thanksgiving day we celebrate with the rest of the world?
So, Today,
I am thankful for my God-who is there for me and loves me-all of the time-no matter what.
I am thankful for my family-who has stood by me every step of my journey and continues to help me grow and learn every day-God has truly blessed me with such a wonderful family.
I am thankful for my boyfriend-who encourages me and loves me at my worst-who looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am when I feel like crap-and who I cannot imagine going through life without.
I am thankful for the friends in my life who let me be me and love me despite my faults and shortcomings.
I am thankful for the freedom and security that this country provides for us-I know its not perfect, and I know people are often upset by how things are run-but when you REALLY think about it, and you really get down to it, all of us who live in this free place, are extremely lucky.
I am thankful that even though I may not always do the right things, and I may not always respond the right way, there is always room for growth and opportunity in another day.
I am thankful for today, and everyday that I am alive.
And Im thankful that this thankful list could go on for many more "Im thankful for's". That feels like a good start to Thanksgiving Living.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone....and remember there is always, always, ALWAYS, something to be thankful for.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Clothe Yourself.
I was wasting time on my newest addiction-pinterest-when I came across this photo:
For me, getting dressed is a very important part of my day. I know that sounds silly, but I have always felt that a persons style is a form of self expression. I love picking out my outfit for the day, and accessorizing it. I always try to look my best, and I put effort into my appearance. This is usually a bit of a process. I won't lie, it takes me a good amount of time to get ready in the morning. I won't share how long, because its not really an increment of time Im proud of. I will just say it takes me longer to get ready then it should.
Usually as I get ready I also have my computer playing an episode of a show I missed, or on youtube playing songs off my playlist. It's the same routine every single day.
This photo made me think though....why don't I spend the same amount of time clothing my emotional self as I do clothing my physical self? Everyday I put on a shirt. Everyday I put on pants. Everyday I put on shoes. But, do I remember to put on compassion everyday? Do I clothe myself in kindness and humility? Do I remind myself to be patient every morning and on into my day? The answer to these questions, is sadly-NO. I don't take the same care, or thought, with these things as I do with the clothing that I put on my physical body.
I have a feeling that walking around without compassion, kindness, humility, and patience, is just as bad (if not worse) then walking around completely naked-and I REALLY don't want to do that.
So this week: I challenge myself to focus a little more on how Im clothing my inside, and a little less on worrying about the outside.
Friday, November 18, 2011
That's enough.
Do you ever have that feeling like you just don't measure up? Like everything, and everyone around you just makes you feel so small and insignificant?
Lately, I've been feeling a little that way...okay a lot that way.
I want to do the right things, but I feel like I keep doing them wrong. I'm trying to say the right things, but i just word vomit up the wrong stuff. Its so hard when you are trying to explain how something makes you feel, and every word you say just seems to make things worse. The to everyone else you come out sounding like a brat, but on the inside all you feel is insecure, unheard, and completely misunderstood. It's so frustrating when you try so incredibly hard to do the right things, and you still come out in the wrong.
That's how I feel right now.
In all aspects of my life.
I'm trying all day, everyday, to be enough....and I just don't measure up.
In thinking about these feelings, I remembered these words from a church song that I love...
...and I realize, I am not enough, nor will I ever be enough if I keep looking for that satisfaction in all the wrong places. I don't need to be enough for you, or you, or even you. I just need to be enough for HIM, and know that He is more than enough for me.
I'm done striving to "measure up" to those around me. The people who have mauled my beliefs of who I am and what I'm worth. Im done looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. And I no longer will seek acknowledgment, or approval, from those who wish to tell me what I am and am not capable and worthy of. I am loved by the only one who "is love" and therefore I am worthy of all that he provides. I am worthy of his greatness. And through him I am enough.
Lately, I've been feeling a little that way...okay a lot that way.
I want to do the right things, but I feel like I keep doing them wrong. I'm trying to say the right things, but i just word vomit up the wrong stuff. Its so hard when you are trying to explain how something makes you feel, and every word you say just seems to make things worse. The to everyone else you come out sounding like a brat, but on the inside all you feel is insecure, unheard, and completely misunderstood. It's so frustrating when you try so incredibly hard to do the right things, and you still come out in the wrong.
That's how I feel right now.
In all aspects of my life.
I'm trying all day, everyday, to be enough....and I just don't measure up.
In thinking about these feelings, I remembered these words from a church song that I love...
"And all of you, is more than enough for all of me,
for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me, and all I have in you is more than enough.
More than all i want, more than all I need. You are more than enough for me.
More than all I know, more than all i can say, you are more than enough for me."
I'm done striving to "measure up" to those around me. The people who have mauled my beliefs of who I am and what I'm worth. Im done looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. And I no longer will seek acknowledgment, or approval, from those who wish to tell me what I am and am not capable and worthy of. I am loved by the only one who "is love" and therefore I am worthy of all that he provides. I am worthy of his greatness. And through him I am enough.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Practicing Faith.
Sometimes life just feels heavy...and scary. As I shared in my last post-our house is now quite chaotic with the addition of my grandparents. Things with them are pretty much the same. My grandma is continuing with her rehab, and the nurses are still trying to find the right combination of medication that will help with the pain-which seems to still be very intense. My grandpa is as busy, and confused as ever. This morning he tried to turn the TV on with my cell phone, and when my computer started playing music he thought my phone was receiving a message. He is absolutely hilarious-and at the same time, watching him scares me to death. I have an extreme fear of death...at certain times in my life this fear has been literally crippling to me...its something I am constantly trying to deal with. I heard in a worship song one Sunday morning the words, "As I walk from earth into eternity..." What a peaceful image of death...I try to hang on to that thought, and remind myself of those words when I am feeling scared...and I practice faith. I try to remember that God has this all planned out...and its really up to him how this all goes. Thats a hard concept to grasp, and a hard thing to let go of. But surely if he gave up his life for me, then I can trust him with mine.
This past weekend my brother came home from school for a visit, and to get a little support before going back for a doctors appointment. My brother plays college football and during his last game he injured his neck. As a result of whatever he injured, he is now experiencing some numbness down his arms and into his hands-talk about scary. He went in yesterday for some X-rays and those came back showing nothing so tomorrow he goes in for an MRI. I am praying for him, and thinking of him constantly-but ultimately Im trying to step out in faith. To know that God already knows whats wrong, and that it's all a part of his plan.
Even when life seems heavy...unfair...complicated...you just have to keep the faith. Remember that God has a bigger, far better plan than anything you can possibly imagine. That life is just a journey, full of events, that keep you walking on into eternity.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A little bit of this-and a little bit of that.
I am officially the worst blogger EVER. Multiple times a day i think to myself 'I should write about that in my blog!' and then I never seem to find the time.
So here is an update of the last month and a half...and here's to trying to be better at keeping up on this thing.
Life:
This past month has been kind of nuts. First of all I should update you all on my last post...my new job opportunity. I did end up turning that down. I realize many people will find that incredibly stupid but I still feel I made the best decision for me at this time. I am learning a lot, and am looking forward to future opportunities that Im sure will still come along. I tried to make the smartest possible decision for me that would in the long run benefit me in the most ways. I felt that by accepting that position I would be in a way setting myself up for failure. I know, I know...how do you know if you never try?...but honestly I was lacking so many things that I would need to succeed in that position. The first of which was simply time. I had literally been with the company for 60 days-thats not even out of probation. While I still consider the offer a great honor, it was not the right time for this. Maybe someday. But I have a feeling I will end up going in a different direction.
Then my grandma was in a car accident. It was the first rainy day of the season and the roads were a mess. There were accidents everywhere, and my grandma was involved in one of them. She was driving on the freeway when she was sideswiped and pushed into the median. She suffered broken ribs, a broken collarbone, broken bones in her back, and her car was totaled. I was at work that day, and my parents didn't tell me what had happened until I got home that night because they didn't want me to be worrying all day long. We went to visit her in ICU that night. I hate ICU. I hate hospitals...period. ICU was full of other car accident victims that night. In the room next to my grandmas was a boy my age who had been in a head on collision with a big rig. He had undergone brain surgery that morning and it was still uncertain whether or not he would ever wake up. I watched as his family and friends cried and tried to comfort one another in the halls. Two rooms down from him was another young gentleman who had been in a car accident as well. He too had suffered brain injuries...but his family had already been told he wouldn't make it. While I was there that night, at least 10 people came to see him and say there goodbyes. I found out he passed away the next morning. I went to visit my grandma several times that week in ICU. That I know of at least 3 people didn't make it...I still don't know what happened to the boy my age with brain injuries...but I still pray for him and his family often. I felt a little guilty that week in ICU. Even though my grandma had been hurt, and I know she was in so much pain, I couldn't help but feel so fortunate. She was moving, and breathing, and eating, and speaking-all on her own and on minimal machines. There were people all over the place who looked like robots with all of their attachments. It made me feel guilty and extremely lucky all at the same time.
Two years ago I lost my other grandma. And a year and a half ago I lost a man who was like a father to me. I know that pain and I've felt that loss that they were feeling. You feel extremely connected to those people you share a hospital wing with. Even though you don't know them...you can't help but feel that connection of shared experience, and my heart broke every time I went to visit my grandma. Selfishly for me, that week she was in ICU was really hard...I can't imagine how she must have felt.
After her week in the hospital she was moved to a rehab center-the same one my grandma was in when she passed away. This too brought up strange emotions. The first time I went to see her in the rehab center I felt a huge lump in my throat, and I immediately got sick to my stomach. It was so strange being back there, and visiting someone different this time...and knowing that the last time I was there was the night before my other grandma had passed away. It was a strange, sad feeling to say the least.
Now my grandma, and grandpa, are living in my house with the rest of the family. My grandpa has been staying with us for the past few weeks, and my grandma just got released from the rehab center this morning. For those of you who don't know, my grandpa has Alzheimer's. In my opinion, he has gotten progressively worse in the last year, and it's a little frightening to watch. He is extremely forgetful, and often terribly confused which leads to moments of intense anger. I had never really seen this side of him until this past week. The other day my family went to watch my brother play football at Menlo, and my grandpa came along. He fell asleep on the way home in the car and when he woke up he didn't know where he was. He started shaking his head and mumbling to himself. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he just wished he could fill in the gaps. He had forgotten where he was, why he was there, and how he had gotten to this place. It broke my heart. I answered all of his questions, and that seemed to ease his mind a little. But it doesn't always. Sometimes it makes him really angry. I think because he is so frustrated by not being able to remember-and i think he is scared. That day when he woke up, he had tears in his eyes as he mumbled to himself. I wish I could take that fear from him. I wish I could make him remember everything. I wish that the day where he might not remember me, or my family members wasn't coming-but i can't help but believe that it is.
I know that this past month has put an immense amount of stress on my parents. And yet, they always seem to figure things out. I am incredibly proud of my parents and admire their strength as well as their marriage everyday. They are best friends, and they support one another in everything. They truly meant in "good times and in bad" and I watch them live that out every single day.
I am so glad to have my grandma safe and on her way to recovering. It will be a long road, and it will continue to be hard at times. But I am incredibly blessed to have the family that I have, and I know that they will provide all the love, support, and care that she and my grandpa need.
Love:
I like to think I'm pretty lucky in love. Some people wait a really long time for it to come along...but i feel blessed that I didn't have to. People tease me all the time that I am so young and how can I know...after all we have been together since we were 17 years old. But i strongly believe that when you fall for someone that young there are two possibilities:
1. you grow as people and that pushes you apart. The growth you both experience helps you to see that you are wrong for each other.
or
2. you grow as people and that grows you together.
Me and him, just keep on growing, and we always end up together. We just hit our 5 1/2 year mark and I still find things out about him that make me love him more.
We both work, and he goes to school so we don't always see each other as much as I'd like but last week we did finally get to go to the pumpkin patch! He took me to apple hill for the day which is one of our favorite places to go! There's this picnic spot there that we both love and its become a special spot for us over the years.
I am constantly on the lookout for new clothes. It's really a problem. Especially working where I work-at a mall- I am surrounded by new things. The worst for me isn't even the store I work in, but the surrounding stores. I swear the deals at Forever 21 are my kryptonite. I tell myself I'm not going to shop and then i convince myself "its so cheap though!" Its horrible. lol. My newest addiction is crossroads. I take my old clothes there and I walk out with clothes that are brand new to me and cost me close to nothing. I used to find it totally gross to go there at all. I found it even more gross to wear someone else's clothes...and then I thought about it. I take really good care of my clothing. Some of the stuff I take to sell there I have worn once (and I hate to admit it) but some of it I has never even been worn at all. And a lot of my stuff, they still won't buy it. So if they are THAT picky, then it can't be that "gross"..and besides that I wash it all anyways. So what the heck? Plus, I just spent the last two years of my life being drowned in information about sustainability and greener behaviors. So i can add that to my list of why i need these new items-hello I'm helping recycle clothing-and thus saving the world. Right? Right.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Speaking of sticking to it. For the month of October I gave myself a budget of $100 to shop with. I went over by $43. But hey, its a start. This month I vow to shop less, MUCH less. I actually think I'm scaring my boyfriend away a little...kind of the opposite of what I'm hoping to have happen after 5 years ;)
So yea. That's that.
A little lengthier than I would like to have my posts...like I said...Im going to try and be better at this.
Bye for now.
So here is an update of the last month and a half...and here's to trying to be better at keeping up on this thing.
Life:
This past month has been kind of nuts. First of all I should update you all on my last post...my new job opportunity. I did end up turning that down. I realize many people will find that incredibly stupid but I still feel I made the best decision for me at this time. I am learning a lot, and am looking forward to future opportunities that Im sure will still come along. I tried to make the smartest possible decision for me that would in the long run benefit me in the most ways. I felt that by accepting that position I would be in a way setting myself up for failure. I know, I know...how do you know if you never try?...but honestly I was lacking so many things that I would need to succeed in that position. The first of which was simply time. I had literally been with the company for 60 days-thats not even out of probation. While I still consider the offer a great honor, it was not the right time for this. Maybe someday. But I have a feeling I will end up going in a different direction.
Then my grandma was in a car accident. It was the first rainy day of the season and the roads were a mess. There were accidents everywhere, and my grandma was involved in one of them. She was driving on the freeway when she was sideswiped and pushed into the median. She suffered broken ribs, a broken collarbone, broken bones in her back, and her car was totaled. I was at work that day, and my parents didn't tell me what had happened until I got home that night because they didn't want me to be worrying all day long. We went to visit her in ICU that night. I hate ICU. I hate hospitals...period. ICU was full of other car accident victims that night. In the room next to my grandmas was a boy my age who had been in a head on collision with a big rig. He had undergone brain surgery that morning and it was still uncertain whether or not he would ever wake up. I watched as his family and friends cried and tried to comfort one another in the halls. Two rooms down from him was another young gentleman who had been in a car accident as well. He too had suffered brain injuries...but his family had already been told he wouldn't make it. While I was there that night, at least 10 people came to see him and say there goodbyes. I found out he passed away the next morning. I went to visit my grandma several times that week in ICU. That I know of at least 3 people didn't make it...I still don't know what happened to the boy my age with brain injuries...but I still pray for him and his family often. I felt a little guilty that week in ICU. Even though my grandma had been hurt, and I know she was in so much pain, I couldn't help but feel so fortunate. She was moving, and breathing, and eating, and speaking-all on her own and on minimal machines. There were people all over the place who looked like robots with all of their attachments. It made me feel guilty and extremely lucky all at the same time.
Two years ago I lost my other grandma. And a year and a half ago I lost a man who was like a father to me. I know that pain and I've felt that loss that they were feeling. You feel extremely connected to those people you share a hospital wing with. Even though you don't know them...you can't help but feel that connection of shared experience, and my heart broke every time I went to visit my grandma. Selfishly for me, that week she was in ICU was really hard...I can't imagine how she must have felt.
After her week in the hospital she was moved to a rehab center-the same one my grandma was in when she passed away. This too brought up strange emotions. The first time I went to see her in the rehab center I felt a huge lump in my throat, and I immediately got sick to my stomach. It was so strange being back there, and visiting someone different this time...and knowing that the last time I was there was the night before my other grandma had passed away. It was a strange, sad feeling to say the least.
Now my grandma, and grandpa, are living in my house with the rest of the family. My grandpa has been staying with us for the past few weeks, and my grandma just got released from the rehab center this morning. For those of you who don't know, my grandpa has Alzheimer's. In my opinion, he has gotten progressively worse in the last year, and it's a little frightening to watch. He is extremely forgetful, and often terribly confused which leads to moments of intense anger. I had never really seen this side of him until this past week. The other day my family went to watch my brother play football at Menlo, and my grandpa came along. He fell asleep on the way home in the car and when he woke up he didn't know where he was. He started shaking his head and mumbling to himself. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he just wished he could fill in the gaps. He had forgotten where he was, why he was there, and how he had gotten to this place. It broke my heart. I answered all of his questions, and that seemed to ease his mind a little. But it doesn't always. Sometimes it makes him really angry. I think because he is so frustrated by not being able to remember-and i think he is scared. That day when he woke up, he had tears in his eyes as he mumbled to himself. I wish I could take that fear from him. I wish I could make him remember everything. I wish that the day where he might not remember me, or my family members wasn't coming-but i can't help but believe that it is.
I know that this past month has put an immense amount of stress on my parents. And yet, they always seem to figure things out. I am incredibly proud of my parents and admire their strength as well as their marriage everyday. They are best friends, and they support one another in everything. They truly meant in "good times and in bad" and I watch them live that out every single day.
I am so glad to have my grandma safe and on her way to recovering. It will be a long road, and it will continue to be hard at times. But I am incredibly blessed to have the family that I have, and I know that they will provide all the love, support, and care that she and my grandpa need.
The family at Luke's game-minus Logan.
Love:
I like to think I'm pretty lucky in love. Some people wait a really long time for it to come along...but i feel blessed that I didn't have to. People tease me all the time that I am so young and how can I know...after all we have been together since we were 17 years old. But i strongly believe that when you fall for someone that young there are two possibilities:
1. you grow as people and that pushes you apart. The growth you both experience helps you to see that you are wrong for each other.
or
2. you grow as people and that grows you together.
Me and him, just keep on growing, and we always end up together. We just hit our 5 1/2 year mark and I still find things out about him that make me love him more.
We both work, and he goes to school so we don't always see each other as much as I'd like but last week we did finally get to go to the pumpkin patch! He took me to apple hill for the day which is one of our favorite places to go! There's this picnic spot there that we both love and its become a special spot for us over the years.
Celebrating our 6 month anniversary at that picnic spot...
Back again around 4 1/2 years...
And this year around 5/12 years :)
And today I got a nice "happy november" surprise from this great guy. I haven't been feeling well the last few days and today I was off from work. I was laying bed catching up on my shows when my door swung open and there he was with flowers and starbucks! He spent the rest of the day watching movies and relaxing with me :) I feel Incredibly lucky.
I love Sunflowers.
& I love my guy.
The Pursuit of Clothes:I am constantly on the lookout for new clothes. It's really a problem. Especially working where I work-at a mall- I am surrounded by new things. The worst for me isn't even the store I work in, but the surrounding stores. I swear the deals at Forever 21 are my kryptonite. I tell myself I'm not going to shop and then i convince myself "its so cheap though!" Its horrible. lol. My newest addiction is crossroads. I take my old clothes there and I walk out with clothes that are brand new to me and cost me close to nothing. I used to find it totally gross to go there at all. I found it even more gross to wear someone else's clothes...and then I thought about it. I take really good care of my clothing. Some of the stuff I take to sell there I have worn once (and I hate to admit it) but some of it I has never even been worn at all. And a lot of my stuff, they still won't buy it. So if they are THAT picky, then it can't be that "gross"..and besides that I wash it all anyways. So what the heck? Plus, I just spent the last two years of my life being drowned in information about sustainability and greener behaviors. So i can add that to my list of why i need these new items-hello I'm helping recycle clothing-and thus saving the world. Right? Right.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Speaking of sticking to it. For the month of October I gave myself a budget of $100 to shop with. I went over by $43. But hey, its a start. This month I vow to shop less, MUCH less. I actually think I'm scaring my boyfriend away a little...kind of the opposite of what I'm hoping to have happen after 5 years ;)
So yea. That's that.
A little lengthier than I would like to have my posts...like I said...Im going to try and be better at this.
Bye for now.
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